Jacob Skidmore was only 11 when he first felt that something about him was different.
“I was at a family funeral and I remember being annoyed that everyone was crying,” he recalls. “It felt performative to me, like they were doing it for attention. On the way home, I started wondering—what if they were genuinely upset? And is it strange that I didn’t feel anything at all?”
Now in his twenties, Skidmore has been officially diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). He says the signs were there all along, though subtle at first. As a child, he often manipulated friends and family to get what he wanted. He tells one story about convincing his parents to buy a specific Yu-Gi-Oh card as a gift for a friend—only because he had already made that friend promise to give the card to him.
By his early teens, his behavior became more aggressive and controlling. “I had a violent incident,” he says. “Because of some legal trouble, I was ordered to go to therapy. That’s when narcissistic traits were first brought up.”
Narcissistic Personality Disorder gets its name from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. But in the real world, NPD is complex and hard to define. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it’s marked by a constant need for praise, a lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement. People with NPD may also use others to get ahead and struggle in close relationships.
On the surface, narcissists may seem charming and confident. But beneath that, they often have fragile self-esteem and crave constant validation. Today, the term “narcissist” is used so widely that it has almost lost its meaning. Is your ex a narcissist, or just selfish? Is your boss narcissistic, or just arrogant?
Online, the topic has exploded. TikTok videos with the hashtag #narctokadvice offer tips on “how to destroy a narcissist” or “psychological tricks to outsmart one.” But experts warn that these viral tips often oversimplify a serious mental disorder.
Like other psychology terms such as “gaslighting” or “OCD,” the word “narcissist” has entered everyday language—and become misunderstood in the process.
Dr. Katie Kjelsaas, a clinical psychologist, says this trend is a double-edged sword. “It does raise awareness,” she says. “But it can also water down the meaning of narcissism and confuse people about what it actually is.”
There is a major difference between someone who shows narcissistic traits and someone who has NPD. Dr. Sam Vaknin, a professor of clinical psychology, says people often confuse high confidence or arrogance with a personality disorder.
“Calling someone a narcissist has become a way to insult or criticize them,” he says. “But it strips the term of its clinical meaning.” While the true rate of NPD is estimated at between 1% and 6%, Vaknin believes the real number is closer to 1%.
Experts still disagree about how to diagnose NPD, how common it is, and what causes it. Ironically, the nature of the disorder makes it hard for those with NPD to recognize their own symptoms. NPD also rarely occurs on its own. It often exists alongside other conditions like borderline personality disorder, depression, substance abuse, or eating disorders. These can all affect how narcissism appears in a person.
Vaknin outlines different types of narcissists. The “grandiose” type loves attention and demands admiration. The “covert” type is more withdrawn and sensitive. “Somatic” narcissists tie their self-worth to sex. “Cerebral” narcissists avoid sex altogether, focusing instead on intellect.
Although full-blown NPD may be rare, many people show enough narcissistic traits to create serious problems in relationships. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who studies narcissism, believes this group may make up 10–12% of the population.
The damage narcissists cause can be long-lasting. Justine Martin didn’t realize her mother was a narcissist until her mid-40s. By then, she had already been in a string of abusive relationships.
“You grow up thinking trauma and emotional abuse are just part of love,” says Martin, now an author and speaker. Her wake-up call came when a violent partner—who was later diagnosed with NPD—broke her arm. “That’s when I knew I had to break the cycle.”
“I’m angry at myself for ignoring the signs,” she says. “He love-bombed me at the start—flowers, praise, putting me on a pedestal. But I learned there is life after a narcissist. And that life is better without them.”
Still, some believe that change is possible—if a narcissist has a real diagnosis and receives therapy. Vaknin says people often assume narcissists choose to be cruel or indifferent. “But narcissism isn’t a choice,” he argues. “There’s strong evidence that it can be inherited, involve brain changes, and result from early trauma. These are not evil people—they are mentally ill. They need help, not stigma.”
Skidmore agrees. He says his NPD has ruined many relationships. “I’ve always felt alone,” he says. “I don’t connect emotionally with others. I often look back and ask myself, ‘Why did I do that?’ I don’t hurt people on purpose. I just don’t always think about them. I lack empathy, and I still struggle with guilt.”
Today, Skidmore uses his social media platform, The Nameless Narcissist, to talk about life with NPD. He has 35,000 followers, most of whom are either trying to understand narcissism after being hurt or living with the condition themselves. His Instagram bio reads, “Take your meds please.”
“We’re not monsters,” he says in a recent video. “We’re mentally ill people who need support.”
Think You Might Be Narcissistic?
If someone has told you that you show narcissistic traits, what should you do?
“Go to therapy,” Skidmore advises. “But don’t assume that having these traits makes you a bad person. It’s a disorder—and it’s rough. Focus on the harmful behaviors that are hurting you or others. That’s a better way to handle it than obsessing over a label.”
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