Conventional dating advice often tells people to highlight their best traits—intelligence, humor, or success. But new research suggests there’s a more effective strategy: asking for help.
A recent study co-authored by Xijing Wang reveals that intentionally seeking assistance—especially in a way that invites dependency—can signal romantic interest and increase attraction. This approach builds connection and trust, making it a subtle yet powerful tool in dating.
Two Ways to Ask for Help—One Sparks More Attraction
Psychologists distinguish between two types of help-seeking (Nadler, 2015):
Autonomy-oriented help – Asking someone to teach you how to solve a problem (e.g., “Can you show me how to fix this?”).
Dependency-oriented help – Requesting that someone handle the problem for you (e.g., “Can you fix this for me?”).
While dependency-oriented help is often seen as creating power imbalances in professional settings, the study found it works differently in romance. In intimate relationships, interdependence is valued, making this strategy surprisingly effective.
Why Does This Work in Dating?
Romantic relationships thrive on mutual reliance. When someone asks for dependency-oriented help, it subtly communicates:
- “I trust you.”
- “I’m interested in you.”
This triggers a psychological response—people tend to feel closer to those who depend on them. However, this only works in romantic contexts; in professional settings, autonomy is still preferred.
What the Research Found
The study, involving over 2,500 participants across the U.S., China, and the U.K., revealed key insights:
People Change How They Ask for Help When Flirting – When primed to think about romance, participants were more likely to ask attractive strangers to solve problems for them directly.
Helpers Found It Attractive – Requests like “Can you fix this for me?” (vs. “Teach me how”) made the asker seem more desirable—but only in dating scenarios.
Partners Saw It as a Threat – People in relationships perceived outsiders who asked their partner for dependency help as potential rivals, triggering jealousy.
Gender Didn’t Matter – Both men and women used and responded to this tactic equally.
The Takeaway: Embrace Healthy Dependence
The findings challenge the idea that you must appear perfectly independent to attract someone. Instead, small acts of vulnerability—like asking for help—can foster intimacy.
Next time you’re interested in someone, skip the self-promotion. Try a simple request: “I’m bad at picking gifts—could you help me choose one?” That small moment of reliance might just spark a deeper connection.
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